life and its complexities..
a time in your life will come when you feel like the world is out to get you. you will not know where to turn to. you will wake up in the morning and miss that 1/4 part of your life when times were simple...
when m&ms melted in your hand. when you would eat skittles and taste the rainbow. when you would run up and down the jungle gym and feel like the world was at your feet, swinging across the monkey bars like there was no tomorrow.
the time before your first kiss. your first hug. your first pimple. your first everything. the time when life was simple.
that is the way life works. we regress to a time in our life when problems were only equivalent to mathematics. take a deep breath... look at the positive side. you have gone so far, too far to give up. take a deep breath... life has a plan for you, figure it out. take a deep breath... cry for an hour or so, wipe your tears and make a plan. take a deep breath... everything will be better in time.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Capital L O V E
Valentine's Day is fast approaching
February is known as the month of love. It makes me think: what is it about love that makes us feel so alive, so inspired, so complete.
Abigail and Love <3
a little belief:
Soul mates. when a person dies, the soul is divided into two: the anima and animus (male and female counterpart). these counterparts travel into the body of two different individuals. and when that individual dies it divides and travels once again. our ultimate goal is to find our soul mate - our direct counterpart. when we are down, feel incomplete, and feel lost it means that a vital part of us is missing - our soul mate... we try to get intact with ourselves once again, hence the term soul searching. since there are so many divisions of our soul around us, there is a big chance that we may encounter more than one soul mate, this is where we begin to hurt because we must decide who is our direct soul mate... who is our other half.
when in love:
“It seems to me, dear, you have met your soul mate. You will rarely come across someone that actually sees you for what and who you are; someone who will give you the feeling that you have known each other for a lifetime during your first meeting. Leilani,” she bent in a little closer, “When you find someone like that, hold on to him. You will find yourself in that person, parts of you that were forgotten or never even let out. Do not think about how long you have known him or where in life he will bring you, just accept him and that is all there is to it.” - this is an exert from my very own novel Endless Horizons. this is how i perceive love... cherish the person while you still have him because you will never know where destiny will bring you. when you find your soul mate you will find meaning; even if for the shortest amount of time.
love helps us find meaning in our existence because it transforms us into different people. when one is in love he tends to do things he never thought he can do, he sees things differently, acts and feels different as well... and when one does this all the more he/she realizes his potential. Being in love is a way of getting to know ourselves better.
you can never find meaning or essence in anything without truly understanding it first. same goes with the self... we must get to know ourselves better, understand deeper, in order to give meaning to our existence. <3
an experience:
about ten months ago i was engaged. when i met him, i thought i was the luckiest girl in the world. i was in love, and i was contented. we were planning everything when it suddenly struck me that i do not want to marry him... it broke his heart, and it hurt me as well because i could not give him a valid reason why i did not want to continue... i just felt deep inside that it was not right. during the time i was with him, i learned a lot about myself. through him i uncovered things about me that i had forgotten... i started to write again and do everything i was good at, things i forgot i knew how to do. he showed me just how simple things actually are. and during my time with him i found my way back to God. he was my savior... yet i do not know why i just couldn't go through with it. now.i start to think, what if i stayed? we would be getting married months from now. what if i did things differently?what did he go through?what have i done?... and the worst: WHAT IF HE WAS MY DIRECT SOUL MATE? there are times, a lot of times actually, when i just want to go back. fix things. there are times when i want to continue with the wedding and believe that he is actually the one. there are times until now when i cry, thinking this is just my karma for letting him go. but those times are temporary, because i always keep in mind that he is happy now. and when i remember that, i am happy too. he was my soul mate, i learned so much, had the time of my life, but most importantly: I GOT ACQUAINTED with myself once again... he brought out the best of me to fulfill God's plan for me...
the lesson:
and now that i understand myself, even though i am all alone, i feel grounded and complete...the role of love in our search for meaning.=)
Soul mates. when a person dies, the soul is divided into two: the anima and animus (male and female counterpart). these counterparts travel into the body of two different individuals. and when that individual dies it divides and travels once again. our ultimate goal is to find our soul mate - our direct counterpart. when we are down, feel incomplete, and feel lost it means that a vital part of us is missing - our soul mate... we try to get intact with ourselves once again, hence the term soul searching. since there are so many divisions of our soul around us, there is a big chance that we may encounter more than one soul mate, this is where we begin to hurt because we must decide who is our direct soul mate... who is our other half.
when in love:
“It seems to me, dear, you have met your soul mate. You will rarely come across someone that actually sees you for what and who you are; someone who will give you the feeling that you have known each other for a lifetime during your first meeting. Leilani,” she bent in a little closer, “When you find someone like that, hold on to him. You will find yourself in that person, parts of you that were forgotten or never even let out. Do not think about how long you have known him or where in life he will bring you, just accept him and that is all there is to it.” - this is an exert from my very own novel Endless Horizons. this is how i perceive love... cherish the person while you still have him because you will never know where destiny will bring you. when you find your soul mate you will find meaning; even if for the shortest amount of time.
love helps us find meaning in our existence because it transforms us into different people. when one is in love he tends to do things he never thought he can do, he sees things differently, acts and feels different as well... and when one does this all the more he/she realizes his potential. Being in love is a way of getting to know ourselves better.
you can never find meaning or essence in anything without truly understanding it first. same goes with the self... we must get to know ourselves better, understand deeper, in order to give meaning to our existence. <3
an experience:
about ten months ago i was engaged. when i met him, i thought i was the luckiest girl in the world. i was in love, and i was contented. we were planning everything when it suddenly struck me that i do not want to marry him... it broke his heart, and it hurt me as well because i could not give him a valid reason why i did not want to continue... i just felt deep inside that it was not right. during the time i was with him, i learned a lot about myself. through him i uncovered things about me that i had forgotten... i started to write again and do everything i was good at, things i forgot i knew how to do. he showed me just how simple things actually are. and during my time with him i found my way back to God. he was my savior... yet i do not know why i just couldn't go through with it. now.i start to think, what if i stayed? we would be getting married months from now. what if i did things differently?what did he go through?what have i done?... and the worst: WHAT IF HE WAS MY DIRECT SOUL MATE? there are times, a lot of times actually, when i just want to go back. fix things. there are times when i want to continue with the wedding and believe that he is actually the one. there are times until now when i cry, thinking this is just my karma for letting him go. but those times are temporary, because i always keep in mind that he is happy now. and when i remember that, i am happy too. he was my soul mate, i learned so much, had the time of my life, but most importantly: I GOT ACQUAINTED with myself once again... he brought out the best of me to fulfill God's plan for me...
the lesson:
and now that i understand myself, even though i am all alone, i feel grounded and complete...the role of love in our search for meaning.=)
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Passion
Endless Horizons
this is the title of my novel which will be done soon.
it is the world through my eyes
..my talent..
(aside from what is shown in my other blog "sugarcoats and heartbeats: passion")
talent
every person has a talent, every person does things differently from others. our talents signify who we are, what is important to us, and define us to a certain extent.
we have our talents for a reason, and we are passionate about these talents for a purpose.
when we do what we love we feel at peace. we tend to forget about the million roadblocks that we face every day.
when i write, the words are formed in my mind and evaluated by the heart...
right before it flows from my fingertips and written for the world to read.
by knowing our passion, we get closer to knowing why we are here.
we are enlightened and God's plan for us slowly unravels.
While writing my first novel, i discovered a part of me which i never thought i had.
i learned so much from myself and about myself.
the novel has become an identifier for who i am.
I spent hours day after day in coffee shops around the city(OMG is my favorite), near the beach (usually on our terrace overlooking the ocean or in san juan the surfing capital), and in the middle of fields ... i dated myself, and now that i am working on it again (determined to finish it before graduation) i realize that i have never been happier.those times alone, gave me inspiration
i used to think that inspiration was found in a partner, however now i understand that inspiration begins within the self and tied to God's creation. God gave us our passion to be inspired
NOTE: i have been working on the novel for almost a year. i did experience a writer's blank (around 3 months), however i am working on it more than ever now.
this is the title of my novel which will be done soon.
it is the world through my eyes
..my talent..
(aside from what is shown in my other blog "sugarcoats and heartbeats: passion")
talent
every person has a talent, every person does things differently from others. our talents signify who we are, what is important to us, and define us to a certain extent.
we have our talents for a reason, and we are passionate about these talents for a purpose.
when we do what we love we feel at peace. we tend to forget about the million roadblocks that we face every day.
when i write, the words are formed in my mind and evaluated by the heart...
right before it flows from my fingertips and written for the world to read.
by knowing our passion, we get closer to knowing why we are here.
we are enlightened and God's plan for us slowly unravels.
While writing my first novel, i discovered a part of me which i never thought i had.
i learned so much from myself and about myself.
the novel has become an identifier for who i am.
I spent hours day after day in coffee shops around the city(OMG is my favorite), near the beach (usually on our terrace overlooking the ocean or in san juan the surfing capital), and in the middle of fields ... i dated myself, and now that i am working on it again (determined to finish it before graduation) i realize that i have never been happier.those times alone, gave me inspiration
i used to think that inspiration was found in a partner, however now i understand that inspiration begins within the self and tied to God's creation. God gave us our passion to be inspired
NOTE: i have been working on the novel for almost a year. i did experience a writer's blank (around 3 months), however i am working on it more than ever now.
Monday, February 7, 2011
On Closure
Hurt is a natural phenomena... it cannot be avoided. We will get hurt countless times in this lifetime. we will get hurt by people we do not know to people very close to us, from words said to us directly to words said about us indirectly. When people have a chance to hurt you in order to save themselves, they will take that chance.
I was hurt. I am hurting. But i am doing something about it...
Pain cannot be bottled up inside of us forever. we cannot hide our feelings, it will come out and will be shown in the things we do and the words we say. Our behavior signifies not only our current state however also the impact of the past to us. when we bottle up our feelings we displace it into other portions of our life... and sometimes this phenomena hinders us from becoming the best we can be. We are stripped from chances to grow, deprived of moving on.
When we are hurt we want to defend ourselves. but how can we defend ourselves when the pain brought upon us is just too much that we cannot even force a tear out? when we are stuck in the shock phase? how can we defend ourselves when people have made us so defenseless?
We want to explain ourselves, let people know our side, prove our innocence in attempt to turn back time to a place in our lives where things were better.
We need to feel better again.
Today, I wrote 15 letters. a way of closure. to help me tell people how they have affected me... how much i appreciate them... how much they have hurt me. CLOSURE. and now, with knowing that they will soon be aware of how i feel, i am free of these emotions and i am given a chance to move on.
Recently, i was hurt so bad... i am still struggling to get off of the ground. I was stripped from everything i knew and everything i was accustomed to and forced to start over all over again... alone. I was thrown into madness, confusion, depression, and loneliness and left there to fight alone. I was ignorant and i was trampled all over. I did not know how to react to what was happening. I wanted to defend myself but i was left with no shield. everything i knew was gone in the blink of an eye. everything happened so quickly. before i knew it i had no love and no back up plan. i was not ready to lose love so quickly and i wasn't even given a warning. i was left in shock. i couldn't accept the fact that i was left alone. so hurt that i could not even cry.
What did i do?
I wrote. i wrote some of the longest letters i have ever wrote. I wrote about anger, betrayal, denial, regret, and ignorance. I defended myself passionately in those letters... however, sometimes closure must come from you. In situations like this it is important to stay away... no matter how much you want the person who hurt you to know what his impact is on you, it is not proper. what is important is that you let these bottled up feelings out...
so i kept the letters. Unsent, unread.
a few days later i started crying... and this made me very happy because i know that i am no longer in the shock phase, yet i am getting over it now. and i know that given some time, the tears will stop falling and i will finally be free to move on.
Forgiveness... when we experience closure, forgiveness comes hand in hand with it.
I was hurt. I am hurting. But i am doing something about it...
Pain cannot be bottled up inside of us forever. we cannot hide our feelings, it will come out and will be shown in the things we do and the words we say. Our behavior signifies not only our current state however also the impact of the past to us. when we bottle up our feelings we displace it into other portions of our life... and sometimes this phenomena hinders us from becoming the best we can be. We are stripped from chances to grow, deprived of moving on.
When we are hurt we want to defend ourselves. but how can we defend ourselves when the pain brought upon us is just too much that we cannot even force a tear out? when we are stuck in the shock phase? how can we defend ourselves when people have made us so defenseless?
We want to explain ourselves, let people know our side, prove our innocence in attempt to turn back time to a place in our lives where things were better.
We need to feel better again.
Today, I wrote 15 letters. a way of closure. to help me tell people how they have affected me... how much i appreciate them... how much they have hurt me. CLOSURE. and now, with knowing that they will soon be aware of how i feel, i am free of these emotions and i am given a chance to move on.
Recently, i was hurt so bad... i am still struggling to get off of the ground. I was stripped from everything i knew and everything i was accustomed to and forced to start over all over again... alone. I was thrown into madness, confusion, depression, and loneliness and left there to fight alone. I was ignorant and i was trampled all over. I did not know how to react to what was happening. I wanted to defend myself but i was left with no shield. everything i knew was gone in the blink of an eye. everything happened so quickly. before i knew it i had no love and no back up plan. i was not ready to lose love so quickly and i wasn't even given a warning. i was left in shock. i couldn't accept the fact that i was left alone. so hurt that i could not even cry.
What did i do?
I wrote. i wrote some of the longest letters i have ever wrote. I wrote about anger, betrayal, denial, regret, and ignorance. I defended myself passionately in those letters... however, sometimes closure must come from you. In situations like this it is important to stay away... no matter how much you want the person who hurt you to know what his impact is on you, it is not proper. what is important is that you let these bottled up feelings out...
so i kept the letters. Unsent, unread.
a few days later i started crying... and this made me very happy because i know that i am no longer in the shock phase, yet i am getting over it now. and i know that given some time, the tears will stop falling and i will finally be free to move on.
Forgiveness... when we experience closure, forgiveness comes hand in hand with it.
Forgive but do not forget...
every trial and ounce of pain is a great lesson.
remember every tear and transform it into courage, strength, and wisdom.
every trial and ounce of pain is a great lesson.
remember every tear and transform it into courage, strength, and wisdom.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
A Letter to Jesus
Dear Jesus
what am i to do with this life you have given me? I know i am special and fortunate enough to have all of the basic needs... but what more do i have to hold on to? what am i to do when the ones who brought me up are the ones who make me want to let go? Jesus, i do not want to stay here anymore. my cup is full... help me empty is once again.
Jesus, guide me to the right path, to help me do what is best for me... guide me because this path i am on has already been destroyed.
I thought i had everything i needed. i was wrong. Jesus, when i met you once again when i walked into that Church, i felt reborn... i understood once again. now i understand more than ever that money cannot but anything essential.
Jesus, why do they care about money so much? how did they become this way? Lord open their eyes to let them see that they are neglecting their other responsibilities.
I am sad Lord... broken and sad
give me the strength to go on... to make things work within myself despite the external factors hindering me from living life in your light.
Lord, their eyes are open but their ears are shut. how am i to tell them how i feel? it is a misfortune for me because they were both raised with pride. they do not want to be told that they need to change as well. I went to a parents' forum, Jesus, and it made me so down to see how other parents were so open to changing themselves, to adjust, just to be at par with their children. times are changing, and we must change along with it. must the child always be the one to understand his parents? aren't parents suppose to understand their children?
Lord, why can't they see me... i am so jealous... i have done my best so far... and i never even got a single hug or praise... what am i doing wrong? or maybe i was just really a mistake. that is how they make me feel Lord... like i am a mistake. they do not support me in anything, they only care about what is more convenient to them..
Jesus, can we share...?
From now on your Father and your Mother shall be mine as well.... to them i will turn for the strength and courage to get me through.
though my biological parents are not all that bad...they do not understand... they do not understand like you do Lord. and they never will. and i know that what God gives us is never a mistake, so my biological parents are not a mistake... i know this because through them i learned a lot... like how to hold my head up high when the people who are supposed to hold you on high just lets you fall.
I love you Jesus...
what am i to do with this life you have given me? I know i am special and fortunate enough to have all of the basic needs... but what more do i have to hold on to? what am i to do when the ones who brought me up are the ones who make me want to let go? Jesus, i do not want to stay here anymore. my cup is full... help me empty is once again.
Jesus, guide me to the right path, to help me do what is best for me... guide me because this path i am on has already been destroyed.
I thought i had everything i needed. i was wrong. Jesus, when i met you once again when i walked into that Church, i felt reborn... i understood once again. now i understand more than ever that money cannot but anything essential.
Jesus, why do they care about money so much? how did they become this way? Lord open their eyes to let them see that they are neglecting their other responsibilities.
I am sad Lord... broken and sad
give me the strength to go on... to make things work within myself despite the external factors hindering me from living life in your light.
Lord, their eyes are open but their ears are shut. how am i to tell them how i feel? it is a misfortune for me because they were both raised with pride. they do not want to be told that they need to change as well. I went to a parents' forum, Jesus, and it made me so down to see how other parents were so open to changing themselves, to adjust, just to be at par with their children. times are changing, and we must change along with it. must the child always be the one to understand his parents? aren't parents suppose to understand their children?
Lord, why can't they see me... i am so jealous... i have done my best so far... and i never even got a single hug or praise... what am i doing wrong? or maybe i was just really a mistake. that is how they make me feel Lord... like i am a mistake. they do not support me in anything, they only care about what is more convenient to them..
Jesus, can we share...?
From now on your Father and your Mother shall be mine as well.... to them i will turn for the strength and courage to get me through.
though my biological parents are not all that bad...they do not understand... they do not understand like you do Lord. and they never will. and i know that what God gives us is never a mistake, so my biological parents are not a mistake... i know this because through them i learned a lot... like how to hold my head up high when the people who are supposed to hold you on high just lets you fall.
I love you Jesus...
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